week2 late

Out of the Shell;

After the latest hype in the cricket, we have managed to go the opposite way and completely let ourselves down as a nation. I am an Englishman so I have never claimed to be very good at having a braai. But I thought this was one of the corner stones of “Clutch plate” civilization. Today I am ashamed. How can we let the Australians throw a bigger braai than us? The attempt in Stellenbosch has been pathetic. There is a rumor going around that Christian Bale and Chippie Shaik were the tong masters in Australia and that this may be the factor contributing to such a landslide victory to the Australians. Christian Bale was seen celebrating his braai victory down under with a couple of gin and tonics and the club Evol in Cape Town. The man credited for starting the Emo movement has refused comment. Valentines Day is going to be starting a little late this year. This is due to the start of the super 14. I don’t know why Saint Valentine could not have planned this a little better. Please remember that when leaving the rugby that Valentines Day is a great night for driving drunk. The chances of some fascist conducting a field sobriety test on you, when it’s just you and the commodity, is actually rather slim. I am thoroughly looking forward to the battle at Newlands on Saturday. The Sharks vs. The Stormers, what a clash. It’s the thrill of seeing the durbanites (or coastal vaalies) down here that really gets me up for it.
Sheldon; “Where your from mate?”
Durban Guy; “Like I am from Durban, Bru!” (This you already know from that accent which sounds like a rabid female mouse). .
Sheldon; “Congratulations you nearly made it in life”
Because if we are honest with ourselves, Durban (the Kraaifontein of the east coast) is just the coastal town for people who could not afford to live in Cape Town.

Sheldon

The Dogs Kennel;

Just to let you know where we are trying to go with this weeks article, my editor has asked me to be as offensive as possible, now normally I would tell him that im not really that into offending people, and that everyone has equal rights these days. But then I would also be lying to myself. Not everyone is equal, I mean autistic people, are they my equal? I like to think that I am somewhat superior to the Helen Keller’s of this world, and I don't think that's an unfair assumption to make. So during these tough times of the global economic recession, where jobs are hard to come by, I will keep my editor happy and make sure that I can afford to drink copious amounts of alcohol and throw oranges at the poor people in the standing section of Newlands Rugby Ground this weekend. Right so onto this weekends festivities, Valentines Day, fuck that, opening match of the super 14. So much more fun, and hey, if you are feeling a little lonely, pull into the meat market after the game and pick yourself up a little floozie there. There are more options than just Claremont though. You could head out into the northern suburbs, if the stormers win, Durban rd should be ripe for the picking, only problem there is that they from the northern suburbs, and their language is rather offensive. I’m sorry, we won the war, stop speaking pig-latin at me. One plus about Afrikaans girls is they are still brought up correctly, they know how to cook and clean, and who’s job it is to run the home, (ok by run here, I mean in a hotel manager kind of way, they get to look after it during the day, make sure it is kept tidy, and that everything is in order), well Afrikaans girls and eastern Europeans. They seem so happy in there little windows in Amsterdam. Enough about that. big news is Gareth Rosslee is running the 2 oceans half marathon. The roads and parks board has given him special permission, they just ask that no one else run that close to him, this is a 2 fold caution: 1. If his legs give way and anyone else is around him, they are likely to get hurt. 2. The roads can only handle so much before cracking under the sheer strain. Everyone please support this great cause here. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=49176092303
I think we will end on a quote from The Sailor: "No women can ever be satisfied, as no man has a chocolate penis that ejaculates money" Thank you sailor. You're a thing of beauty.

The Dog

Irish Note;

So the unmanned ventriloquist dummy hits the headlines once again. The big question in my mind is who has their hand in Julius’s ass. Who is prompting this Muppet to make these outlandish statements week after week, or
does he come up with this nonsense all by himself. I’ve got a theory on the matter. Julius is infact a double political agent. He is a sort of incredible vocal mole. His puppet master is not Jay Z, as many believe but rather a high ranking official from another party. Who is using him to scare voters into not voting for the ANC. I think these scare tactics are going to be terribly successful. If empty barrels make the most noise, what can one say about dummies?


From Skeet This Week.

Clearly not many people read my rant from last week about old Najwa,cause the savages were back this week, and she only got 28 years. Isaid hang her, and send the savages back to work, but I didn't get myway. Anyway, the bleeding thing is over. Case closed.

So, this week, has brought some excitement into my life. ValentinesDay, one of my favourite days of the year. Some people hate it, somepeople love it. Most couples will succombe to the pressure from usevil advertisers to spend shit loads of money on chocolates, cards,red roses and maybe even a laughing teddy bear that will last a fewdays before being thrown in the bin. They'll spend at least 5 minuteson writing a "roses are red, violets are blue" verse, and then at thelast minute try and get a reservation fro a table for two at anexpensive restaurant, all in the hope of getting laid.

I take a different approach however. Valentines Day for me is a time to get involved in the ancient art of "Couple Bashing." All you needis a weapon, and a six pack of Black Labels, way cheaper than youraverage Valentines Day hamper. Weapons range from the classic baseballbat, to the more extreme ice pick, and even to the very extremeafrican masheti. A few seasons ago I bashed and killed a couple with asamurai sword but that belonged to a friend who now lives on acannabilistic Island somewhere near Papa New Guinea, and I no longerhave accesss to that particular piece of death metal. This year'sBashing session was a great success. 17 Couples fell victim the thebat of the on form Gavin Williams, who in my opinion takes the 2009Basher of the Year, but those results wil be confirmed by the end ofthe week. I managed a respectable 9 couples, however I was using anaxe, and 6 of those 9 couples actually died, so perhaps I'l still bein the running. I'm holding thumbs.

I'm going to have to be on the low down for a while, untill all theshock and horror of this season blows over, but anyone who would like to get together for a cold frosty and chat about it can certainly doso. I always like to pass on my knowledge and experience to potentialbashers who are keen and eager to get involved.

Have a great week.

Love Skeet.