Week 4

The Dog’s Kennel
From the dog this week we have some great news for the world, some handy travel advice and a little social commentary.

Where to start, it’s always nice to hear good news, and this, my friends is great news, a scientist in Scotland has discovered that the Ginger gene is likely to die out in the next 100 years. Personally I think 100 years is a bit long to wait and am moving for a quicker solution. You see that bastard gene found its way into my family, so to make sure that there is no chance of its survival I will be looking for a wife of Spanish or Italian heritage, dark haired olive skinned, and preferably about 6ft tall. Kill two birds with one stone, breed out the ginger, breed some height back into the family. This is social engineering at its best.

Onto the handy travel advice, OK never drive through to Simons Town on the weekend, sure the view is pretty when the wind isn’t blowing, but there is a plague along main road, locusts of the modern era. Cyclists, you know the people, ridiculous outfits, even those fat fucks, look like cottage cheese in spandex. This is the perfect thing to ruin a nice sea view. That and the fact they get in your fucking way, and this one cheeky bitch, I pass her, so instead of doing the decent thing and staying behind me she goes and passes me at the next traffic lights, only to make me have to look at her old fat ass again because she wont get out of the fucking way. Then once you pass her, you get stuck behind an indigenous person who instead of paying his water and electricity account, has decided to fill up his car and take the family for a drive at 20km per hour.

It’s a fucking nightmare, take my advice, just don’t go near the place.

Then there was this tasty little treat making headlines, Sheldon will write more in depth about it, but I would just like to say, grow a pair you pussy, your 14 years old getting a little whack on your bottom, dry your eyes, I was hit with a branch pulled out of a fire by a teacher when I was 10, I didn’t go crying to my mommy. I swear this kid is still eating purity and wetting his bed.

Dog out

Out of the Shell:

UFOs in Joburg

James J Hurtak (a Social Scientist) claims the UFO sightings in Johannesburg are real. Unfortunately you will never hear more bullshit come out of a human beings mouth than you will when you listen to a hippie with a degree, that is as dangerous as Zuma and his Umshini Wam, Boris Jeltzin with a cold Vodka or Hitler holding a Ham sandwich. These sneaky pricks are the ultimate in lies and deception. Any human being who believes in star signs has absolutely no intellectual creditability whatsoever.

I was thinking that there may be something else going on here. Maybe the ANC government misunderstood the concept of the Gautrain, or how trains work in general and have come up with a completely new form of transport. We could have the first African invention on our hands. These UFOs could be a shuttle service for Tokyo Sexwale and Jacky Selebi’s kids, down to Ballito or Plett so they don’t miss out on any good surf or drunken white girls.

However it is more likely that these witnesses have been dishing out lysergic acid diethylamide at random with the kids. I feel it’s one of the best ways to shut up screaming child, give them a good healthy dose of LSD.

I too have seen these UFO phenomena, often at these outdoor socials near Nekkies or Villiersdorp in the Western Cape. I never decided to discuss my experience on Carte Blanch though. What is even more worrying is that several witnesses in Gauteng spotted the lights in the sky. What are they putting in the water Johannesburg? I think I might head up there for some field sobriety research.

James J Hurtak believes that these aliens are here to save our planet from over population, pollution etc. How high is this man? That’s like saying OBama wants to help out in Sierra Leone and Kinshasa. NO! James J Hurtak, please, I think there is way too much diethylamide stored in your spine.

If we are not careful we are going to have Will Smith, John Travolta and Tom Cruise waving flags from a rooftop in Hillbrow, awaiting the arrival of the Galactic Lord Xenu. On the positive side though this maybe a chance for me to get Will Smith in the sites of my high powered rifle. For the sake of black rap and Sunday night movies, guys I will not miss.

Close encounters of a 1st kind in Johannesburg for these celebs will probably only take the form of Allan Boesak who can be found fence hopping from Hillbrow to Honeydew. In fact I believe that this orb, Boesak, may actually be providing intelligence to the Galactic Lord Xenu so that his Thetan soldiers can come down and over throw the ANC. With the scientologists running the country I could have a shot at Katie Holmes. Armed with a stun gun, some eye drops and maybe some Rohipnol I should definitely be in with a shout.

So fellow feral Kaapies, this weekend, go out and get yourself some magic mushroom, mescaline or LSD. Slap on that Pink Floyd album or maybe some Raja Ram and let’s get ourselves some fucking UFO’s.


Next on the agenda is a probably one of the most important issues to be raised in the news this year.


Park Town Boys enjoy a four ball.

I watched Penny, a mother of a son at Park down boys; sob her eyes out because her son was given a healthy dose of hazing. Shame Penny I feel sorry for you. Did you not take it as a sign that he might be a doughnut puncher when you used to catch him setting the PVR to record Pop Idol?

I think Drew hall at midnight with a little hazing and some deep heat on the genitals sounds like the way school bullying is suppose to be. In a boy’s boarding house, a coke bottle and some deep heat are an aphrodisiac and not a form of punishment mommy.

Poor Penny crying for her poor little boy cause her son got beaten with a golf club. For being a rat Penny, if get hold of your son I will make sure to bring out my 5 iron and drive your sons testicles down the fairway, cause he clearly does not deserve them.

Let’s remove all forms of initiation and create a male culture that Andy Dick would be proud of. This will be done over my dead body. It’s time to pick up that stick, whip off that belt and beat someone. If we could introduce mandatory hazing at all schools we could definitely cut down on the EMOs/Fake Hippies (the ones from the trance parties)/Goths/OCD kids (Graffiti) and their problems immediately.

Kaiser the head boy is the biggest disappointment to come out of all of this. The boys that belted you must be absolutely shattered. Stand by your convictions son, you did nothing wrong!

That is what came out of the shell this week.

Sheldon

The Irish Note:

Zuma unplugged

After a long and grueling week of graft, I decided to round of the week with the cool, seductive sounds of Jay-Z. There is little to no chance that I was heading into the sea of faces alone, so I decided to take some backup which came in the form of a tenacious fiery Welshman. The dog took a bit of coaxing to get out of his kennel. Mind you this is normally the case after a Friday night of drinking out of other dog bowls. I lured him out with one of his favourite treats and then insisted that he jumps in the pool before climbing into my car. After he had shaken off the last of the pool chemicals we were off. In a momentary lapse of concentration I realized that we had left the map book behind. The dog assured me that we were men and didn’t need any form of guidance and that the built in male GPS wouldn’t dare fail us.

I slapped a cd into my trusted front loader and began to enjoy the tunes. This was short-lived as the dog’s head began to feel like a squash ball at the World Series. So we switched back to the radio. The traffic news blared through my six-by-nines before the volume was swiftly adjusted. The words hit us like a drunk PE taxi driver on a pedestrian crossing. The words Mother of God rolled off a thick black moustache. The N2 was backed up due to an accident. Our fearless duo was not going to stopped by an insignificant traffic jam. My navigator made the necessary adjustments and before we knew it we were cruising along the N1. I’m not exactly sure when the cock up occurred but at some point there was a communication era between driver and navigator. Although I knew we were going the wrong way I was lured in by a scene of absolutely chaos.

In front of us there was a mass of ANC supporters, 200 hundred strong. Directly to the left of this was a small congregation of fearless COPE followers. Large trestle tables had been set up for registering new comers, but had been used to store massive amounts of alcohol instead. They were filled with beer and expensive whiskeys. The great thing about this particular rally is that it took place on the premises of a bottle store. What a phenomenal idea. I had to restrain my comrade from joining the festivities. I assured him that free booze normally comes at a price. Cars illegally parked all over the show, music playing loud out of the boots of the comrades cars. I like the way theses guys roll, who needs propaganda when you’ve got booze?

We couldn’t stay or we would surely miss the concert. After some minor navigation adjustments we were back on track. This could be no mistake, if we wanted to make it in time. Fortunately the enormous body of people gathered outside the O.R. Thambo hall, which was visible from the highway. Even someone as blind as our brother Steve Hawking couldn’t of missed it. We parked miles away. By the time we reach the hall everyone was inside.
We sheepishly snuck in the back. This was unlike any free gig I had ever been to. Damn this guy was talking a lot before his act. More than any other artist I have ever seen. Eventually after whole lot of hype, the electric intro emerged out of the cheering crowd.

Umshini wami mshini wami (lead)
khawuleth'umshini wami (Follower)
Umshini wami mshini wami,
khawuleth'umshini wami
Umshini wami mshini wami,
khawuleth'umshini wami
khawuleth'umshini wami
Wen'uyang'ibambezela(Lead)
umshini wami, khawuleth'umshini wami(Follower)

During this I hauled out my lighter and tried to be that guy. I received a sharp elbow in the ribs from the dog and promptly put it back in my pocket. Jay-Z’s hit does appear to be a one hit wonder. I was hoping for an encore, but this sadly never happened. We decided to beat the crowds and hit the road. What a day. Rumors of a Kirstenbosch concert are yet to be confirmed.

Tuna

From Skeet this week:

Still coming